Definition of asexuality:
An asexual person experiences little or no sexual attraction.
Sexual attraction, in simple terms, means that you find a specific person sexually attractive and want to have sex with them.
Asexual people, who might use the term "as" for short, generally do not feel sexual attraction or desire to have sex with other people.
That said, being asexual means different things to different people.
Some people may only experience sexual attraction in very limited circumstances. For example, someone who is demisexual only feels sexual attraction when they experience a deep connection.
In other words, they might only feel sexually attracted to people in a romantic relationship.
Some people may feel no sexual attraction and still choose to have sex.
To put it simply, everyone has a different experience of being asexual, and there is no one way to be asexual.
Some people feel no sexual attraction:
Asexual people who do not experience sexual attraction may still experience other forms of attraction.
In addition to sexual attraction, you may also experience:
- Romantic appeal: desire a romantic relationship with someone
- Aesthetic appeal: to be attracted to someone because of their appearance
- Sensual or physical attraction: wanting to touch, hold or hug someone
- Platonic appeal: want to be friends with someone
- Emotional attraction: wanting an emotional connection with someone
It is possible for asexual people to experience all of these forms of attraction, as well as many others.
Wondering exactly what it means to be asexual? Here are the basics:
Asexual people can have a libido and experience sexual desire
There is a difference between libido, sexual desire and sexual attraction.
- Libido. Libido involves wanting to have sex and feeling sexual pleasure and sexual release. For some people, it may feel like scratching an itch.
- Sexual desire. It refers to the desire to have sex, whether for pleasure, personal connection, conception or something else.
- Sexual attraction. It involves finding someone sexually attractive and wanting to have sex with them.
Many people who are not asexual have a low libido and may not desire sex. Likewise, many asexual people still have a libido and may experience sexual desire.
Asexual people can still masturbate or have sex.
After all, sexuality doesn't always mean that someone doesn't like sex. It just means that they don't feel sexual attraction.
An asexual person may want to have sex for many reasons, including:
- Satisfy your libido
- Conceive children
- Make your partner happy
- Experience the physical pleasure of sex
- Showing and receiving affection
- For the sensual pleasure of sex, including touching and cuddling
Of course, some asexual people have little or no libido or sexual desire and that's also OK since asexuality means different things to different people.
Many asexual people desire and have romantic relationships
An asexual person might not experience sexual attraction, but they could definitely experience romantic attraction.
An asexual person can be romantically attracted to people of the same sex, people of the opposite sex, or people of multiple sexes.
Many asexual people want and have romantic relationships. They might build these romantic relationships with other asexual people or with people who are not.
Asexual people can have sex with partners
As mentioned, some asexual people have sex because sexual desire differs from sexual attraction.
In other words, you might not look at someone and feel the need to have sex with them, but you might still want to have sex occasionally.
Every asexual person is different. Some might feel repulsed by the sex, some might feel nonchalant about it, and some might enjoy it.
Sexuality is a Spectrum
Many people view sexuality as a spectrum.
Asexuality can also be a spectrum, with some people experiencing no sexual attraction, others experiencing little sexual attraction, and others experiencing a lot of sexual attraction.
Sexual people rarely experience sexual attraction, or they experience it at a very low intensity. Many people recognize sexuality as a midpoint between sexuality and asexuality.
Sexual attraction and desire are not the same as romantic attraction and desire
Wanting to have sex with someone is different from wanting a romantic relationship with them.
Likewise, it is important to remember that just as sexual attraction differs from romantic attraction, sexual desire also differs from romantic desire.
You may desire a romantic relationship without also desire sex and vice versa.
Some people prefer non-romantic relationships
Some asexual people have no interest in romantic relationships.
Just as asexual people experience little or no sexual attraction, aromantic people experience little or no romantic attraction. Some, but not all, asexual people are aromantic.
Queerplatonic, a word originating in asexual and aromantic communities, offers a way to describe non-romantic relationships.
A queerplatonic relationship is a very close relationship. Although it doesn't involve romance, people in a queerplatonic relationship are just as committed as those in a romantic relationship.
Anyone can have a queerplatonic relationship, regardless of sexual or romantic orientation.
Some find that their ability to attract or desire changes over time
Many people consider their identity somewhat fluid.
One day they might feel asexual because they experience little or no sexual attraction. Weeks or months later, they might feel a change and find that they feel sexual attraction more often.
Similarly, someone may identify with the term heterosexual or bisexual, then realize later that they are asexual.
It doesn't mean they were wrong or confused before. It also doesn't mean that sexual orientation is a "phase" or something you will grow out of.
Your ability to attract is not set in stone
Some people find that their attraction to others changes over time. It's completely healthy.
Just because an asexual person has felt sexual attraction before doesn't mean they are erasing their identity now.
- If you have experienced sexual attraction in the past but no longer have it, your asexual identity is still valid.
The same goes for people who no longer identify with the term asexual.
- You might be asexual and realize later that you often feel sexual attraction. That doesn't mean you've never been truly asexual. Your orientation might simply have changed over time.
Myths and misconceptions:
Now, let's clear up some of the myths around asexuality.
It means celibacy or abstinence
Many people mistakenly believe that asexuality is the same as celibacy or abstinence.
Abstinence is deciding not to have sex. This is usually temporary. Someone can choose to abstain from sex:
- Until they get married
- In a difficult period of their life
Celibacy is the decision to abstain from sex, and possibly marriage, for a longer period of time. Many people commit their whole life to celibacy for religious, cultural or personal reasons.
A key difference is that abstinence and celibacy are choices. Asexuality no.
Additionally, asexual people may not abstain from sex at all, and people who choose celibacy or abstinence may certainly experience sexual attraction.
It's a medical condition
Many people think there is something “wrong” with asexual people.
The world seems to assume that everyone experiences sexual attraction. As a result, asexual people might fear that something is wrong with them if they don't feel the same attraction.
But asexuality is not a medical condition or something that needs to be fixed.
It should go without saying, but being asexual is not the same as having:
- fear of intimacy
- loss of libido
- sexual repression
- sexual aversion
- sexual dysfunction
Anyone can develop one or more of these conditions, regardless of sexual orientation.
It only happens because someone can't find the right partner
Some well-meaning people may assume that asexual people will feel sexual attraction when they meet the “right” person – but that’s not how asexuality works. It's not about finding love or romance.
In fact, many asexual people desire romantic relationships, and many asexual people have happy and healthy romantic relationships.
Romance doesn't have to involve sex, just like sex doesn't have to involve romance.
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